Relationships are our greatest strength. Yet we hurt the ones we love most. Where does it come from and what do we achieve by acting upon this urge? An insight into a perspective of female madness and it’s facets of contradiction. Welcome to my world.

Captured By Your Presence

Tossing and turning, I combat my addiction with no avail, when you, by length, irrupt me, possess me, penetrate me, body and soul, heart and center. Through confrontation with my greatest fear – wanton independence along with the terror of dereliction, my contradictions once more challenge me to choose a side.
Whenever you’re gone, whenever I am left to wrestle my mind alone, even in this short a time of your absence, my imagination, fueled by emotional delirium, the longing, somewhere between life and death, drive me to the brink of madness.

How much I want you in times like these, how much I despise it that I do…

My withdrawals, my arguing…It is not about wanting to change you. It never was.
It is about diving in solution less uncertainty, an iron maiden surrounding me, the daggers in my heart, all my own, cutting deep to the core. And now, now they are pointing at you. Primal self defense, self preservation, brutally naive.

Your presence raptures me, it has become the air that I breathe. I crave to be with you, for you to heal me over and over again. Although this longing harasses me deeply, the urge to be left alone stalks in an equal intensity. Such an obsession, a need, a want, so much desire, longing, an excruciating addiction, incomprehensible love. There is only one term for it – insanity. My little surrender to you has me constantly on the edge already, always worried that my drug is or will not be available, yet grateful and happy to have had the pleasure of my fix, if only for a while. So please bear with me and my petulant behavior. My contradictions torture me tremendously and I have lost all ability to rescue myself from it.

This emotional dependency is what I shrink from in terror. If I give up all of my freedom in this sense, I have to feel save, even safer than I do now. You never run from me, don’t feel intimidated by my fierceness, with you I can just be, even a nightmare of a bitch. Until I found myself challenged to let everything go completely. Utter surrender. It already feels as if the shadow of your soul is my constant companion. But I hesitate to surrender to it’s completion, even though I want this more than anything else. Ripped open, vulnerable, I have no means to protect myself except using my claws in a futile attempt of defense. And yet, the more you are here with me, the times you withdraw and leave me missing you, the deeper I fall, the stronger, the more saturating my surrender becomes. The gain – weak ankles.

Then, when my sanity transforms into a monster of insecurity and guilt, this is the time when most likely I will withdraw to find myself again, knowing, when I return from my moments of silence, I will have access to my true core again. Maybe this isn’t the right solution, perhaps I should stay and work things out right then, right there. But s omething tells me that taking a step back, gaining some distance and a different perspective help trmendously in overcoming those monsters inside, which otherwise would eat me alive and everyone around me. I can only fully abandon myself to you when I know, no, when I feel that you can handle my obsession over you. When my femininity runs in full force, the need for protection and love wrapped up in your presence …

When every moment of day and night I think of you, feel you inside of me, calming, protective, ecstatic…Desperate confusion reigns, this rainbow of nuances of sweet pain and delight, which our melting, our parting provokes. During these times I can’t be left alone, as much as I want to resolve this on my own. So when you make the time, be here, when I shed my tears to give way for you to step into me. Invade me completely and don’t let go. Just don’t let go. Please…

To think of you night and day, to be restless when you’re not around and troubled when you are near… I gave in and now I need you like the air that I breathe. Just as much as I hate this, I love it that much more. Although it complicates things. It complicates me. Hold me in my woes and I am more than willing to melt with you completely. But remember, I’m a woman in flesh and blood. These contradictory emotions will never end, they may be amplified or dimmed, but they will never, ever disappear.

The rattling chains around my soul release quite an alluring sound. Especially upon opposing your power, if only for a while. For me to feel that you’re sincere in your word, that you won’t turn tails, I will inflict pain upon you, to feel you in your wrath, when everything else appears surreal to me. When my tears fall onto your pain struck spirit to replenish you with, to cover you in healing moisture.. It’s like I’m pinching myself, but then again, I could be deceiving my mind just as well. After all, I trick myself into believing unbelievable things many times.

It seems as if I infected you with madness. In contrast, what have you done to me to summon such inferior chaos within me. The fall is deep, into emptiness where catharsis awaits, freedom through your rule, to get lost even further into you. My resistance – all in vain. As you stand tall, I love you even more for it.

In spite of my trespass, the mess I leave behind when I half heartedly fight your attempts to overpower me, you’re still present when I weep or flinch or storm all over. Your steady hand, the guidance you give me, is my shelter. I refuse to give in to the mighty gravity the leash around my neck imposes upon my inflicted soul, yet I always come skipping barefooted back to you, delightfully ecstatic. Independence evaporated. Submission – so easily coaxed now. Control is an illusion, the death of ecstasy. All daggers, evaporated, my shield laying beside my feet.

Those bonds – my freedom and my prison. Odd enough that they strengthen with every attempt to escape from your power over me, your eyes, your words, your presence. Again, I am held captive within your world. My emotions, an ocean of violent waves thrashing against your chest. Turbulent ecstasy rises with every trace of a thought of you. Even as I recall it. As if you are inside of me, invaded my intimacy, raped my heart, and now…..now you are a constant part of me, embracing, seducing, feverish. Inevitable. Yet I find freedom within your realm, the space you created for me to be myself.

Resisting you becomes impossible the more I realize that it is you who I want to be with. And all you did was make me feel accepted and protected and loved and wanted. I promise to give it my best to never pull a stunt like this again, to never pull away when I need you most. And yet, I don’t know how sincere I can stick to my word. My wounds gape when you roam, when you follow your mind. And I don’t know how to cram this leak that causes me to run amok whenever my soul lapses into voracious darkness and barefooted stumbles through scorching ashes, leaving a sensation of a fierce ticklish burn.

Never before have I been claimed like this. Subjection to my desire sets me ablaze. Even now I can’t help but crave you. The cumulus of deprivation, of…….

Torturing delirium has me back.

And passion sears through my veins.

Toxic.
Final.
Surrender.

There is no other way.

~ Joice Joker